Many of you may know this: After a stressful preparation and arrival, you are welcomed warmly in a country that is still unknown to you. The impressions of the first day of the workshop are still on your mind on the way to the hotel. While you don’t really feel like it, you go to the joint dinner with the donor which lasts much longer than planned. You arrive very tired at your hotel, and very suddenly the power goes off. You are sitting in the dark and you are cold. And all of a sudden, a deep and penetrating feeling of loneliness rises inside of you.
How do you deal with this phenomenon? I know this feeling from clients and my own experience. Over the years I have found a resource in loneliness that has enabled me to learn more about my needs. Most of the time, while it may feel like coming totally out of the blue, there is always a history to the sudden feeling of loneliness. Often one’s own boundaries and needs were not taken seriously or were ignored.
Loneliness invites …
Looking back, feeling lonely helped me to learn
- to take time for myself and my own mental hygiene: this creates clarity about my own needs for withdrawal and connection
- to allow periods of rest for myself: Every assignment abroad requires a lot of commitment, patience, flexibility and tolerance for (culturally connotated ) misunderstandings and contradictions. It is essential for each and every assignment how I create enough space for relaxation and the right balance between stimulation and relaxation.
- to get clearer about what and who gives (and takes) me energy : do I really feel like socializing after a long and intensive working day?
- to regularly check with myself how I am doing and what my needs are
Loneliness as a Resource to
- consciously cultivate networks: stay in regular contact with friends and family members, also before or during the assignment abroad.
- set realistic goals that fit one's needs and the respective assignment: consciously plan ahead the evenings or days before and during an assignment so that there is room for relaxation. Depending on the context, this can mean: Listening to music, reading a book, going for a swim, cultivating silence, or having a social evening with friends.
- prepare for the unusual or unexpected: making sure phone or other mobile devices are charged and organizing candles on site comes in handy in case of power cuts. This allows to maintain some of my relaxation habits, such as reading, writing or sketching, meditating, doing yoga, watching a favorite film or documentary on Netflix, talking on the phone or cooking.
What helped me the most
If I had known each and every challenge before leaving for an assignment abroad, I might have been hesitant to go in the first place. Every assignment asked me to be humble, patient, and highly flexible. I found it most helpful to build a healthy distance to work (yes, not always easy!) , not to take myself too seriously at times (easier!), to laugh at myself and to face the challenges that arise with great openness. Strength, energy and positive vibes also come from colleagues, their trust in me and the intensity of the unfolding group process.
All this makes loneliness a rich resource for personal development – not only in an assignment abroad.
Dr. Cordula Reimann,Nov. 2022
Author of:The paradox of solitude and loneliness: Personal and social-critical reflections 2021
